Getting comfortable with me
by l'amour perdu
Summary: After Hogwarts, Hermione is trying to sort through her feelings and choices she's made in life.


**Disclaimer – The only thing here I own is the plot, everything else, primarily characters, does not belong to me. I am not making money off of this; I am just having fun with the characters already in place by JKR.**

**Summary - Some years after Hogwarts Hermione is sorting through her life and choices. **

Dear Diary,

Where to start? I guess the beginning.

It started about a year ago I guess, I had been having a hard time, emotionally with things in my life, like many people. The war was over. I spent, what felt like, my entire life in school, worrying about this war and the outcome that now that it's over... I didn't know what to do. Harry and I kept in touch and while he was getting over everything himself, the war did have a bigger affect on him than any of us, he was still there to talk things over with me.

He didn't get into the relationship with Ginny right away, both talked and decided they needed their time to grieve and mourn from the war. They both dated a bit, Harry even got into a fairly serious relationship, surprisingly, with a girl who ended up almost destroying Harry... but that's a story for another time. Ginny dated too and really they seemed to have moved on from each other. Still remaining close friends, but never really anything more than that.

Ron and I tried, but we realized that while we did connect and have some things in common, it wasn't enough for a relationship that would last, especially when both had different ideas. We stayed friends, but had a bit of a 'friends with benefits' situation for a while. He ended up leaving, got a job out of London for a while, he took it to get away from the press, he eventually found them annoying too, and also he wanted to find himself. No one could begrudge him that.

But again I digress; this is supposed to be about what happened between Harry and me... He and I kept and touch, we would talk. Most of the time he would come over and we would go out for a walk and talk, avoiding the press if possible. If the press was really bad that night or we just felt like having a night in, we would watch movies on the couch in the den of the house and cuddle. And that's when it happened. One night I was watching Star Wars, Harry ended up coming over and we cuddled on the couch, watching the movie.

I don't know if it was just because we were both lonely or what, but we ended up having sex that night, and he was good! I wanted to call up his ex and ask what her problem was (she confessed once that he wasn't that good... I'm thinking it was her and not him) He was attentive to my needs and made sure I had an orgasm, multiple in fact. He was not overly large in girth, but he was long. And he knew how to use it. It had been a while for me so the first time he was gentle. He even found out my kink and wasn't afraid of it. (I love it when a guy leaves love bites... and I mean _bites_ on me, then again he's similar in that aspect too.) After we had sex, we went back to finishing the movie like nothing happened; we cuddled, though no longer needed the blanket on that cold winter night. That night when he left we had an unspoken... agreement, of sorts. We didn't talk about it, wouldn't really talk about it, and it wouldn't happen again.

It was a mistake to sleep with him, but not one I regret. You see amidst all the late night talks and walks around my neighbourhood, I started to get a little crush on him. That night I thought I was over it, but his skill in bed made it resurface a bit. I've already admitted I'm not new to the idea of using someone to 'scratch an itch', Ron and I had used each other for that purpose for a while... but because it was Harry it stayed with me longer than it should have. I think add to it the fact that we never really actually spoke about it. That was mistake number two. Over a year later I still have some questions about that night, but it's too late to ask those questions. I'm afraid that they're questions that will always stick with me.

It wasn't until a few weeks after that night that I finally told Ginny what happened. After all she had gotten over him and I needed to open up to someone. It didn't feel right to open up to Ron and it was nice to have a little girl talk with Ginny, we hadn't done that in a while. I think it even brought us a little closer. I even told her about how I once harboured feelings for him, but they no longer existed. She didn't believe me about that, I don't think I did really either, at least not then. Eventually we both forgot about it. Well she might have as she had quit teasing me when we went out. I know I never forgot.

Months passed and I finally thought I was completely over Harry. I thought I was happy. More months would pass and I would find that I wasn't.

Recently it's kind of blown up in my face a bit. I've been traveling a bit with work, as has Ginny while Harry had stayed in London. We've all kept in touch and anytime we're all in London we've gone to a local Pub and gone for drinks and always had a good time. On one of these nights Harry and I got to talking and the topic of that one night came up, no details it was more just teasing phrases in our conversation. As we hung out more in the following months there was more teasing. There was one night were it was discussed and not with teasing. I learned a few things and part of me craved to have a repeat with him. I ignored it though. It was just that I wanted something physical, he was familiar and I knew, satisfying.

Later, like a month later, I found out that Ginny harboured feelings for Harry still, feelings I thought she let go. I felt like a jerk when she told me because she had confessed she liked him for a while, even when I had slept with him. I thought she was a little upset at me for breaking some 'girl code rule' until she pointed out that I didn't because I didn't know about the feelings. Then we got onto the topic of Ginny seducing Harry and my experience with him. I discussed it openly, laughing about how it was really awkward with us, though something in my mind said it should be. I wished her luck. Not thinking anything of it, there was no jealousy rolling around in my gut.

A few weeks later Harry confessed about how he, too had harboured feelings for Ginny. More like they resurfaced recently actually... and something about Harry returning Ginny's feelings... it didn't break my heart, but it didn't leave me feeling happy either. It left me cold. I smiled and wished him luck. But I knew he didn't need it. She liked him and it wasn't like he was awkward around her and needed luck in that aspect... the luck was an empty gesture. Very empty if I'm to be honest.

With them on the verge of getting back together, I felt a little down in the dumps a bit. I don't think it would be that big of a deal and hurt so much if I hadn't been running into old classmates from Hogwarts, finding them all in serious relationships and/or with children. Something about that makes me feel almost like a failure to society too. I have had one semi-serious relationship (Ron) in my life and that was more of a teenage puppy love than a real relationship, looking back on it now. Other than that it's been meaningless sex with, friends I've developed over the years. Thinking about that though makes me feel inadequate.

I'm only 23 but I feel like I should be farther in life than I am. When I'm home in London and not on the road with work, I stay with my mom and dad. I feel I should have my own place, be in a serious relationship with someone. I shouldn't be jealous of my friends – but I am! I am lonely, I am jealous and I hate this. I have cried to myself more in these past few months than the rest of my life combined. I've been opening up to Harry and Ron about my feelings of inadequacy again. Ron, unfortunately is a little in the same boat as me and has been unable to be of much help. He's recovering from a pretty harsh break up himself... again – not going into details about that. I hate her; she hurt Ron too much for me not to hate her.

Harry though... he's been there for me, again. He's puts a smile on my face and makes me see reason that so what if I'm not in a relationship, he has been in a few and they didn't end well and something that he stresses to me almost every time we talk – I'm _only_ 23. Why am I in such a rush? _GAHHHHH why does he have to be so sweet and right?_ He also keeps reminding me that I can't rush things that have to do with matters of the heart; I have to be comfortable with who I am. And then he brought up him and Ginny – "it wasn't until I became comfortable with myself that I _really_ found Ginny." Surprisingly that was some good advice. He knows me too well. It's frustrating sometimes.

Ginny and Harry actually ended confessing to each other how they feel. Ginny had a weekend back home and she and Harry went out for dinner... and more from what Ginny's told me. I want to be truly happy for them, but when I think about it I'm jealous and I guess a little worried... I think I can understand Ron now. I am a little worried that as they get closer I will lose them.

So that's where I am now. I don't know if writing in this diary is helpful, it certainly got things off my chest. It did make me see that Harry is right – I have to get comfortable with myself. I have to learn to accept my flaws and love myself (something I have been having a struggle with) before I can really worry about loving anyone else.

I don't know how else to end this Diary, but signing my name,

_Hermione J. Granger_

A/n – So this was my first fic to post on here. It is based off things in my personal life... I apologize if there are punctuation and grammatical errors – not my strong suit. Also – please note, I am Canadian so if some of the spelling looks wrong to you, it might just be the Canadian way ;)

Also, please, if you don't mind – leave a review; let me know how I can improve my writing.


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